Resync to WEB-DL version by OlyOrvablé™
(Phil) I was born a baby.
A blank slate.
Thinking I was in control of my own destiny.
And then I met my father.
(Buck) You better be good at this stuff.
(Phil) In college, I wasn't the most gifted athlete.
But in order to please my dad,
I strived to be the very best.
Oh. Little help, already out of control.
I'm losing vision, it's blackness.
You guys here, you might want to move out of there,
I gotta let go of this thing.
Oh-oh. Look out! For Pete's sake!
[Yells]
[Groans]
How far was that?
Foot and three inches.
Hope you boys are ready. See you at the finish line.
There's a... There's a rabid cheetah in Lane 2 here.
Runners take your mark. Get set!
Hold on! Wait!
[Grunts]
[Yelling]
I got it, right below the knee, the nub.
Oh, that hurts!
[Grunts]
[Panting]
No, no, no, no. Your day's over, Phil.
Yes, I was quite the athlete.
Oh.
So much so, that I caught the eye
of the prettiest girl in school.
Oh. Are you all right?
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, it's no prob.
There's a horrible wind.
Uh, no, there isn't.
There is o-over there.
##[You're The Inspiration by Chicago playing]
[Sighs]
# You know our love was meant to be ##
Dad? Hey, Dad! Barbara said "yes."
(Buck) Hey, Son.
This is Janice. I met her at the A&P.
Hi.
[Janice giggles]
We're gonna get married.
Can I talk to you
alone?
Yeah.
Be right back.
(Buck) Nice to meet you, Barbara. Heard a lot about you.
It's nice to meet you.
She's great-looking. What you talking about? She's terrific.
You're getting married?
[Sighing] Look, Phil, I'm lonely. I'm a man.
It hasn't been easy for me since your mom died.
She didn't die, she divorced you.
Um, tomatoes, tomatoes. You know.
Baby.
One year later, on the proudest day of my life,
he was right there by my side.
There he is, your grandson, Sam.
7 pounds, 6 ounces.
Oh, by the way, he had a son on the same day.
Take a gander at your brother, Bucky.
7 pounds, 7.
Just a little bit bigger.
[Gurgling]
##[Run Around by Blues Traveler playing]
Welcome to my life.
# Is it a sure-fire way to speed things up #
# When all it does is slow me down ##
[engine revving]
[Tires screeching]
Excuse me. Hey, y-you didn't need to take up two spots.
Actually, I do. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?
This is cute though, huh? You're saving the environment for all of us.
Go hemp!
[Laughs]
[Sighing] Unbelievable.
[Children yelling]
(Buck) Okay, boys. Okay. Keep it down. Keep it simple.
Hey, honey.
Where've you been? It's a tie game, it's almost over.
Oh, I-I-I'm sorry.
I... I just... I got caught at work
and then I had to park in the far parking lot.
Let's go, Gladiators!
(boy) Go, Bucky!
[Children yelling]
Hey, where's Sam?
He's on the bench.
(Buck) Okay, Bucky, let's go!
You're kidding me. No.
Go Bucky! Finish it off! Finish it off!
(boy) Come on, Bucky!
Yay, Bucky! Bucky!
[All cheering]
Bucky! Okay, Bucky.
(Buck) Yes! Yes! Yes!
That's my boy, Bucky! Attaboy, Bucky!
Hey, big guy, how'd it go?
It went great. Bench is nice and warm.
I'm gonna see what I can do about that, okay?
We'll see you back at the house, Dad.
(Buck) You played great, Son. You played great.
I'm proud of you.
Come on, buddy.
Hi, you guys.
Oh, Barb. Hi.
Hey, look who's here. Two of my favorite people, and Phil.
Very funny, Dad. Haven't heard that one before.
Hey, Buck.
I see you got a new case for the Pelé ball.
(Buck) That's my ball.
Get away from that. Don't... Don't get any ideas. Don't even touch it.
(male announcer) And now... Watch this.
An important message from the King.
Hi, I'm Buck Weston, King of Sporting Goods.
You can save... Me.
Big on all kinds of balls.
Basketballs, footballs,
hockey pucks, baseballs...
Those acting lessons really paid off.
Yeah, I got four stores now, and I'm opening a fifth next month
in your neck of the woods.
You sure you don't want a job?
I got a job, Dad.
Oh, yeah, what? Selling... Selling vitamins?
In fact, you need to take more vitamins.
I take a vitamin every day, it's called a steak.
Now look, I came up with this myself, look at this.
I'm Buck Weston.
(all) And he's got balls!
Pretty good, huh? What do you think?
I think this is your best commercial yet.
It was pretty good.
Gripping. Gripping.
[Machine humming] Ditka.
Stay away from that, okay?
Here we go again.
Hey, Ditka! Will you knock it off?
Hey, knock it off, would you?
[Humming]
Hey, do that later, would you, please?
I got company!
[Humming stops]
Doing my lawn.
Look, we're trying to have a nice family gathering, all right?
I'm trying to get my yard cleaned.
You're messing up my yard. Let me... Let me ask you.
The world's gotta stop 'cause you got a family gathering?
I'm trying to do my lawn! Yeah, but you put all your...
Guys...
Hey, stay out of this. It's between us, okay?
Here, take some of this back, 'cause I don't want it.
Hey! Knock it off! It's all for you!
You're nuts! Guys, guys!
How do you like that, Ditka?
Take it back.
Here, you get the whole thing!
[Humming]
We'll settle this later, okay?
Yeah, you know where to find me!
Yeah, exactly.
I got this for you, too! Get out of here!
[Gasping] Phil, come on.
What are you lookin' at?
Dad, he hit me. He hit me with the ball.
Hey, Dad, what happened to all your fish?
That one ate the others. I call him "Killer."
Killer?
Yeah.
I like it.
Yeah.
You might wanna clean the water every now and then.
Let's see what you can do.
Hey, Dad, I didn't know if...
I wanted to talk to you about Sam.
Sammy's a good boy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
He hasn't been playing much lately and, I didn't know if...
Stop right there. I agree with you.
And I got some great news.
He's gonna get a lot more playing time now.
Dad, thanks, that's... that's exactly what I wanted to hear.
I traded him to the Tigers.
[Glass shattering]
(Buck) Ooh, hey!
[Sparking]
You traded your own grandson?
Well, I didn't actually get anything for him.
You know that cost $400?
I can't believe it.
W - What, you calling me a liar? I'll show you the receipt.
No, I-I'm talking about Sam!
W- Why didn't you just play him more?
He is going to play more, Philly...
Yeah, for another team!
You... You... You care about winning that much?
Look, Phil, I'm not just coaching soccer.
I'm building men.
Okay, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's an impressive shot. Sure.
But, you know, I want Sam to have fun.
This isn't the big leagues.
For those who live between Broadway and Grandville,
between the ages of 10 and 12,
who are free on Sundays and Tuesdays,
this is the big leagues.
But what about Sam?
Sam, you saw him out there today. It breaks my heart.
At best, he's a benchwarmer.
Wow! Oh!
Oh, Killer! Killer!
How did that happen?
[Sighs]
Hey, Sam, you wanna give us a minute?
Need a little adult time.
Uh-huh.
[Door closes]
[Sighs]
Of all the asinine things my dad has done,
this is by far the most asinine.
I mean, I know he's the most competitive man in the world.
But this beats them all. I'm angry.
I'm... I'm spitting angry!
I'm like a tornado of anger, swirling about!
My heart rate is dangerously high right now.
I'm glad it happened, I...
What? Yeah.
What do you mean?
Where did my wife go? Are you a robot?
Are you a robot-woman?
I... I am not a robot.
Phil, honey, I know this is upsetting, okay,
but you have to try to find the positive in this.
It was unhealthy for Sam to play on your dad's team.
Now he'll play for the Tigers
[sighs] And have some fun.
Okay, look, you're too upset about this.
So, I'll tell him, okay?
No, no, no, no, no, no, I...
I need to tell him.
[Sighs]
[Grunts]
Benchwarmer?
[Grunts]
[Hissing]
Boy, did that hurt my face.
[Knocking on door]
Sammy? Yeah?
Hey. Hey.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Internet dating? No.
Mail-order bride? No.
Just kidding.
(Phil) Look, uh, I got some good news.
I got you put on a new team.
I'm not on the Gladiators anymore?
No.
You're on the Tigers.
[Snarling]
The Tigers? Yeah.
They're in last place.
Yeah, but you're gonna get more playing time.
Did Grandpa trade me?
No.
Yes, wait. I'm happy this is happening.
This is a good thing.
You know, it doesn't seem like a good thing,
but it's a good thing. Trust me.
You do not wanna be the kid
that's on the other end of the bench.
You do not want to be that kid.
'Cause I know that kid.
You don't wanna be him.
Okay.
You don't wanna be the kid who has such suppressed rage
that his heart's about to burst through his chest.
[Panting]
You don't wanna be the kid that when he thinks about
what his dad did to him...
[gasps]
I know that kid. I know.
That kid lives right here in this house!
Mom!
[Wheezing]
Oh.
Mom!
He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't...
Ouch!
Phew.
Okay? Yes. Good.
Coach Benson will be good for you. He knows his stuff.
I bet you this whole thing is gonna turn out to be
a blessing in disguise.
Hey, the Tigers may be in last place,
but those guys look pretty good.
Dad, those aren't the Tigers.
They're not even wearing blue.
The Tigers are over there.
I'm having a baby. Oh, I'm having a baby.
No hitting the baby.
No, no, don't hit my precious baby.
[Splashing]
Oh, look, it's gonna come out! It's gonna come out! Oh!
Cut it out!
Oh, it's gonna come out!
Oh.
Hi, excuse me. Uh, Coach Benson around?
Yeah, you all know Phil Weston?
(John) Oh, yeah.
Hey, welcome to the team, little fellow.
Why don't you go join those other kids over there?
Yeah, go ahead.
There's a moving truck in front of Benson's house.
Did you hear? The pressure of coaching got to him.
He cracked.
How could he crack? We're only one game into the season.
All right, Tigers, it's game time.
Oh, but we're waiting for our coach.
Well, then one of you will have to coach.
Yeah, but I had talked to Coach Benson, we're brand new...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. All right.
Find yourself a coach, or the Tigers forfeit.
Yes?
Where do I know you from?
I've been your neighbor for seven years.
No, that ain't it.
No, that's definitely it.
I'll figure it out.
So, who's gonna coach?
We got Mark into soccer, 'cause we wanted to take a break.
I didn't think I'd be coaching the little bugger.
I just got laid off. I'm looking for a job
so it's hard enough to drag myself out of bed.
So, uh, we forfeit.
So, we're forfeiting?
No, no, no, no. Uh,
you know what, I... I can coach.
Well, that's swell! Great!
Just for one game.
Right. It's game time. Get your team on the field.
Who are we playing?
How about you use your eyes?
Oh, great.
(Buck) All right, guys. Everybody up. Let's go, come on.
Let's go, come on. Lift them. Lift them. Hey, hey, hey.
[People clapping]
[Chuckling]
What are you doing here? Where's Benson?
Oh, Benson's a no-show. I'm gonna coach the Tigers today.
Ooh. You sure you wanna do that?
(referee) How you doing, Buck?
Players take the field. Good luck, Buck.
Yeah. All right. Yeah, good luck.
Yeah, you too. May the best man win?
Oh, he will. Yeah.
[Laughs]
[Whistling] J.T., let's go. Hey, let's go, everybody. Hey, hey!
[Whistles]
Okay. Let's go, guys.
Okay, Tigers, uh, why don't we have starters take the field?
We don't have starters, we never got that far.
All right. Well, then, how about, uh you, you, you?
Yes.
You.
Me?
No, not you.
You, Sam, you, you, you, and you.
You guys, hit the field.
(man) All right!
(Phil) Go get them. Huh?
Go get them.
(Mark) They're gonna kill us, you know.
I'm sorry, did you say something?
We're gonna get killed.
Oh, you don't know that for sure.
Yeah, I do. And it's gonna be awful.
Charge!
[Children yelling]
(man #1) Defense!
[Screaming]
(man #2) Get the ball!
##[Walkie Talkie Man by Steriogram playing]
Yeah!
That was fast.
# You're walkin' and a talkin' And a movin' and a groovin' #
[grunts]
Sorry about the fall, Sam.
See you at the barbecue.
Come on!
# When you find it you get to say it loud #
# Gotta code three #
[grunts]
# My bright red fluro jacket #
[grunts]
# He's fat and he don't run too fast #
Great, great, great.
You wanna go in?
No. I'm fine.
You guys? No, I'm cool.
I'm staying.
# He's a walkie talkie man #
# Well you're walkin' and a talkin' #
# And a movin' and a groovin' and a hippin' and a hoppin' #
[all yelling]
# You gonna wake up that thing in your hand #
# You're looking all around #
# There is trouble to be found #
# Gotta code three Need back up #
# Bring me my bright red fluro jacket ##
[Tigers screaming]
That's the game!
[People cheering]
Poetry in motion, Philly!
(Phil) Bring it on in.
Gather around. Come on in. Good job.
[Sighs]
Powerful kicking. Powerful kicking.
Uh, excuse me. Just don't do that with the cup.
All in all, just, yeah, good.
Good... Good group effort.
Were you watching the same game?
Yeah.
Really, give yourselves a pat on the back.
Inspiring speech, Phil.
Hey, Patty.
Hey, darling. How you doing? Looking great out there.
Yeah, you said it. Yeah.
Tough game today, eh?
We did okay. Yeah.
All right, look. Now what do you say I take Sam back,
be on a winning team, he'll get a trophy,
and who cares if he's a benchwarmer?
No. No?
No. No, he's not going to be a benchwarmer.
Not my son. Not on your team.
'Cause I'm, uh, I'm gonna coach the Tigers.
Ooh, ouch.
"Ouch." Why "ouch"?
[Laughing] Nothing. Nothing.
[Laughing]
You really think you can coach in my league?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you on the field.
Okay. Be forewarned, muchacho.
You're in the show now.
What was that all about?
I'm gonna be the new permanent coach of the Tigers.
Really? Yep.
Cool!
Honey, that's great. Yeah.
Why are you so angry?
No, this... this isn't angry. This is happy.
Yay. This could be fun. Yep.
Okay. Okay,
I got a lot of work to do.
Come on.
(Phil) Take that for me, buddy.
(Ann) Hi. Oh, hello.
We didn't get to introduce ourselves last time. I'm Ann Hogan.
Hi.
Donna Jones.
Hi. You can call me "Chief."
Okay. This is my son, Sam.
Hi. Hey, Sam.
Hi, this is Byong Sun.
Hi, Byong Sun. Hi, Byong Sun.
Byong Sun and Sam, why don't you guys go on ahead, okay?
Okay.
All right. Okay, good.
Yeah, Byong Sun's real shy.
This book really helped us deal with it.
Okay. You'll probably wanna give it a glance.
"My Child is Shy. " Yeah.
Thank you.
Good. Thank you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, who's your son?
Byong Sun. Oh, I see.
Actually, I... You know what, I don't see.
I'm sorry, I...
Oh, wait, now I see. Wow!
[Whispering] Okay.
We're at every game.
Not like a lot of the other parents.
No, no, no, not like the other parents at all.
[Chuckles]
Better! You're better than the other parents.
[Both chuckling]
Oh, so they're better?
No, no, I mean... I mean, they're... Well, they're different.
What do you mean "different"?
No, I... You're different because you're better.
How are they better?
No, look...
You're both better different
in a different but better way.
Okay. You know what, let's get the rest.
A little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
[Children yelling]
Okay, guys, let's take the field.
[Grunts]
(Sam) Get up, Dad.
(Hunter) Nice fall.
[Children whooping]
Hold up!
(Ambrose) Love it, yeah!
Grab a ball!
Here we go. Fan out. Form a circle here.
Great. Okay, now,
I don't know, it may just be me,
but, uh, I really got a feeling like we could catch fire
and have a great season. Huh?
Now, who's with me?
[Whoops]
It's electric in the air! Yeah!
Thank you for that show of enthusiasm.
Uh, well, I... I thought we would just start, uh, today by going around,
introducing yourselves, and telling me
your... your strengths on the soccer field.
All right.
Start with you.
Hey, I'm Hunter.
Hey, Hunter. I'm Phil.
Hi, Phil. Uh, I-I'll eat this worm for $5.
How would that help us?
I'd have an extra $5?
No, you're not going to eat that, are you?
Ugh!
[Clears throat]
Did you just eat that?
Yeah, I ate it.
Now you owe me $5.
I didn't agree to pay you $5.
Forget it. Pass it to someone else.
I'm Byong Sun.
(Phil) Hi, Byong Sun.
I am a very kind person.
Oh, that's sweet. That's very sweet.
Anything that relates to soccer?
No, sir.
You know, maybe you and Ambrose could... could team up.
He's big. You... You might form one mega-person.
[Chuckles]
Okay, forget that I just said that.
Uh, pass it to... to someone else.
I'm Mark Avery.
You know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong.
You dig, cracker? You feel me?
W- What does that mean?
I really don't know.
I heard it on a rap video once.
Oh.
But, I'm, like, really funny. I got like a million jokes.
Great. Okay, yeah. I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Remember when you called us out
onto the field and you fell over?
Right. Yeah?
[Chuckling]
Man! I got you good!
[All laughing]
Somebody call the burn unit. I got you bad!
How did I get burned?
Apparently, I don't get it, okay.
Doesn't matter.
Uh, you know what? Let's just do some drills.
Now, this one,
all the great players have done at one time or another.
It's called "the snake."
Player in the back dribbles the ball
in a weaving fashion around the player
and stops 3 feet from the first player.
[Children yelling]
Hey!
[Blowing whistle]
Okay, that's not the snake.
##[Holla by Baha Men playing]
Uh...
# We got the rhythm, we got the most fun ##
Honey, it was your first practice.
It'll get better.
No, it's gonna get worse.
You need to give it some time, Phil.
No. I already know. It was awful.
The kids were just running around.
They weren't listening to me.
They were like 4- foot whirling dervishes.
And I don't even know what a whirling dervish is,
but that's... that's what they were like.
You know why? 'Cause I'm not a coach.
Okay? I don't know what I'm doing.
My dad. He's a coach. He knows the game.
He's confident, he's smart,
witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive.
A monster.
And he will win through intimidation
and forceful tactics if need be.
I'm not like that.
In fact, I don't know anyone like that.
Do you?
So, Paul, what's on your mind?
Uh, actually, it's Phil.
You mean, it's not Paul?
No, it's Phil.
What's the difference? Come on. Spit it out.
Uh, here it is.
(Diana) Mike!
Hold this.
[Footsteps approaching]
Oh, no. No, no, we do not allow smoking in the house.
I- I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Here, I'll get rid of it, honey.
Anyway, uh, I-I'm coaching my son's soccer team.
And... And I... I didn't know if you might be willing to help.
Soccer?
Actually, uh, I... I want you to assistant coach.
Your assistant coach?
You really don't know who I am, do you?
You're right. Silly idea.
I just... I just need some help
and you're such a great coach.
My dad's gonna be riding me all season, so I just...
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, your dad?
You mean I get to coach against your dad?
Well, yeah.
(Diana) Mike, I smell smoke!
Nobody's smokin'!
Mike! For Pete's sake!
So, like, it's me and you against your old man?
I mean, there are other teams.
Gotcha!
No smoking means no smokin'!
Okay, come on, Phil.
I'll throw this out the window, honey.
Uh, I-I'm sorry, Mrs. D... I'm sorry.
You should be.
It's a nasty, filthy habit.
Hey.
You can count me in.
Really?
Let's bring your old man down. Oh, great.
[People chattering]
(boy) Give me a drink.
It's just a great group. Okay, uh, Tigers.
[Blowing whistle]
Look who's here.
I'll give you a hint.
Hall of Fame?
Chicago Bears?
Sammy Sosa?
No, no, no. Come on.
No, football.
Coached the 1986...
'85.
Uh, '85 Bears to a Super Bowl victory?
It's Mike Ditka.
[People applauding] Yeah.
Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Hey, zip it, kid!
I'm a coach that knows about winning.
I'm gonna push you guys like you've never been pushed before.
Some of you are gonna wish I was dead.
It's true.
I know it's a weird thought, but it's true.
I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones.
Delicious.
Now this is gonna be the hardest most difficult thing
you ever attempted in your entire life.
You know what when it's over... It will get emotional.
When it's over... When it's over...
...you guys are gonna be champions. Champions.
By God, you're gonna be champions.
All right, everybody up. Come on.
Come on, hands in.
Come on, everybody. Let's go out and kick some butt.
Here we go. On three. Let's have fun.
(all) One, two, three. Let's have fun.
"Let's have fun?" What's that?
I just made it up.
On the ground, give me the pushups, come on.
If you guys were with the Bears,
I'd fine you each $10,000 apiece.
This calls for some drastic measures.
We're gonna make some changes around here.
Come on, move it. Move it! Faster! Faster!
(Byong Sun) Faster. Faster.
Move it! Move it! Put some pressure on those legs!
(Byong Sun) Faster. Faster.
No candy! Your mother said you can't have any candy!
Please. Give me it back.
No candy. Please. No. Please?
Hey! I got eyes in the back of my head.
[All groaning] Come on, girls. You gotta move it.
You gotta move it. All the way!
Come on, move it. Move it.
But, coach, how is this gonna help me with soccer?
It's not gonna help you with soccer,
but I'm gonna get my trash taken out, okay?
Come on, Beyonce, let's get that back end done.
Uh, Coach? Shouldn't we be going to soccer practice?
I'm not going to soccer practice with a dirty car.
[Whistle blowing]
Here we go, gang. Let's go, Tigers. Come on.
Let's go get them.
(Ditka) Come on, kick butt out there.
You're great.
[Whistle blows]
Hey, Sam.
Yeah?
What is it, Dad? How you doing?
Good. Good. Good.
Ow!
What was that for? Jeez!
Did you just kick your son?
Yeah.
[Blowing whistle]
[People cheering]
Stop them! Come on. Stop them!
Stop them! Stop them!
Are you following me? No.
[Groans]
Oh.
[Groans]
Oh.
(Sam) Uh.
[Whistle blows] Oh.
Shake it off, Sam. Get some circulation back in your skull.
(Ditka) Go, Jack, go.
[Whistle blowing] Yes.
Yeah! Good job, Jack!
[Children cheering]
That's a legitimate goal, right?
That's a real goal.
Okay, then, that's a real goal.
10 more of those and we're in business.
Look at me, I'm the ref. I'm the ref. I'm the ref.
(referee) All right. Very funny.
You can't catch me if you want, because I'm the ref.
Okay. Very funny. Very, very funny. Very funny.
All right. You all had a laugh? Fine! Play on!
Sorry about that.
How much do you think those things are?
I have no idea.
Oh.
[Grunts]
[People applauding]
[People cheering]
(Connor) Man!
(all) 2, 4, 6, 8, WHO...
Shut up you little rats!
They're just showing their appreciation.
Forget the appreciation.
I wanna win a soccer game!
Okay.
Hey, can I have this?
Yeah, go ahead. All right!
Uh, good game, everyone.
Great effort. Come on, let's go.
We'll just reconvene at a later time.
All right, everyone.
Uh, if I could have your attention.
I got a little something for the Tigers here
to express my... my gratitude
and, well, just a big thank you
for all the hard work.
(woman) All right!
So, uh...
So what'd you bring, Phil?
Finches.
Fishes?
No! No, no, no. No. Finches. Birds.
I'm holding them.
They're tiny birds.
Yeah, so everyone, come up here and grab a finch.
Come on. Come on, guys.
You can watch them grow, right in front of your, uh, very own eyes.
[Birds twittering]
We have to keep them?
You get to keep them.
Why is this fun?
(Buck) I want to welcome you all to tonight's
Highland Heights Soccer Organization parent's dinner.
Every year, we like to take a little time
for the coaches to come up here
to tell us a little about their team.
(man) All right.
How about I bring up someone who's new to coaching in this league,
but is close to me?
I love him like a son. Come on up, Phil.
(all) Come on, Phil.
Come on, Philly. Come on.
Go. Yes.
Good guy. Good guy.
[Man whistling]
Good to see you.
Thanks, Dad.
Uh, thanks, Janice.
Hello, uh,
I'm, uh, I'm Phil Weston.
And you got balls!
[Audience laughing]
He's got vitamins.
[Audience laughing]
That's very funny, Dad. Hilarious.
So when I took over for Coach Benson...
I hear he's a woman now.
[Audience laughing]
Ooh.
Actually, uh, truth be told, no one knows where he is right now.
A lot of people are concerned.
[Audience laughing]
I don't know why that's funny.
God, I'm going to be honest, I... I didn't plan on speaking tonight.
I... I was... I was actually hoping that
my... my assistant coach would be here,
uh, to kind of...
[audience murmuring]
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce Mike Ditka.
[Audience cheering]
It's Mike Ditka, everyone!
Say a few words.
Thanks, Paul, thanks, everybody. It's... It's great to be here
and, uh, gonna have a lot of fun tonight.
Paul's got the Tigers on the move.
All right!
You live long enough, you see everything.
Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil coaching the Tigers.
[Audience laughing]
I couldn't really hear you.
My Super Bowl ring was making too much noise.
Ooh.
You see it, Dad? Right there, Dad. That was a great one.
Read it and weep.
[Audience applauding]
Ditka is a great coach, we understand that, but he's a football coach.
Understand? Right.
And we are still losing, Phil.
Okay, I understand your concern about our record,
but with me it's not about win-lose.
We are going to win one game eventually, right?
Well, we've had a rocky start,
but with a strong team effort, we will win some
I think.
Remember, there's no "I" in team.
But there is an "I" in win.
There is an "I" in win.
Hey, wait.
Uh, parents, Honey.
I didn't see you step up when the team was in need.
Okay. Okay.
Phil is not the greatest coach in the world,
I'll give you that, but at least he's trying.
I can defend myself, please.
You think he enjoys losing week after week,
in front of his own son?
You're making it worse. You're making it worse.
What's with the birds? That was weird.
I've got my hands full with Hunter. I don't need a bird.
Okay, you know what? You got me. All right?
The finches were a bad idea.
And I wasn't going to say this, but I think some of them have salmonella.
A fair amount, in fact. What?
I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.
You and I, we got something going.
You know, maybe we can coach the Little League together.
You really think that, huh? Yeah.
Coach Ditka? Yes?
Hi. Um, uh, our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy and I was just wondering...
Sure. Yeah, I'd be glad to.
Thank you so much.
How do you spell that?
It's, uh, Byong Sun. B- Y...
I think I got it.
Oh, oh, okay,
Okay? Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Thanks, Phil.
Yeah. They're great.
Just a wonderful couple.
(Phil) Yeah.
Bing Bong?
Hey, Philly.
Yeah, Dad.
Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you
about this Ditka thing. I don't like it one bit.
Yeah, well, he's right here.
I'm not blind.
What, are you trying to stick it to the old man?
You go to my mortal enemy for help?
That's no way to talk about your neighbor.
Oh, yeah?
He's right.
I hated him from the first time I laid eyes on him.
Maybe even before that, because I know you're the guy that wrote
"Ditka sucks" on my driveway.
What are you even doing here?
You're just doing this to get under my skin.
I'm glad you figured it out.
And I'm getting under your skin.
It's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.
In your dreams.
Ooh.
Hey, why don't you take that pretty young wife of yours and go home?
What did you call her?
(Phil) Hey guys, please. It's a compliment.
I said she's lovely and she's young.
She's the light of my life. You don't talk about her.
I go home when I want.
It's Mike Ditka. He's big. Stay out of this.
I'll tell you for the last time. Hit the road!
Who's gonna make me? I am.
You're acting like... Oh!
I took a punch from Hall of Famer, Mike Ditka,
and I did not go down.
Sure, I wobbled a bit, but I did not go down.
That Ditka has fists like a small truck.
Come here.
[Thumping]
Okay.
[Groans]
Yeah, you need to relax.
Yeah.
You should've seen the look on my dad's face.
Priceless.
'Cause that punch was meant for him,
that's what makes me feel so good.
Okay, Phil, can we please not talk
about your dad or Ditka tonight? Please?
I... I... You just need to relax.
You're right. Yeah.
I'm sorry. Okay.
Yeah, I just get...
[both moaning]
[Sobbing]
I'm in way over my head.
I got punched in the face and it hurt.
Honey, come on, the kids need a real coach.
Phil?
Yeah?
I love you.
What does that have to do with anything?
Okay. I quit. I give up. I give up. You go talk to Ditka.
What for? He scares me.
Have you ever looked into his eyes?
Or at his hair?
Well, he's been coaching for a long time.
Share your feelings with him.
You want me to share my feelings of inadequacy
with Mike Ditka?
Uh. What else can you do?
[Sighs]
Okay. You're right.
You're right. You're always right.
I'm sorry. I'll go talk to him.
Okay? Okay.
And, Phil... Yeah?
Try not to cry in front of him.
[Bawling]
Hey, hey, get a grip on yourself, okay? Man up.
I can't.
You better or else I'm gettin' out of here.
Here, drink this coffee.
I don't like coffee. It's a vasoconstrictor.
Hey, coffee is the number one drink in the world.
Everybody drinks it.
Even little kids in Mexico drink coffee.
Well, I'm not a little kid in Mexico.
[Sobbing] Okay? In fact, I don't know who I am.
I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror, and you know what I saw?
What?
Nothing.
My dad, he's something.
I mean, I've never lived up to my dad's expectations.
And to top it all off, I'm letting Sam down. My own son!
Ah. Hey!
Ow!
Knock it off. I don't care about that.
Why is everyone slapping me lately?
Drink the coffee. It'll make you feel better.
I don't... I don't like...
[sniffing]
Um, uh,
Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's good.
Picks you up. It calms you down.
It's the lifeblood that drives the dreams of champions.
Oh.
Now, you gotta tell me the problem,
but if you cry, I'm out of here.
I... I can't do it. I can't coach. I can't beat my old man.
You can beat your dad! He's just a man.
This coaching business, Paul, is tough stuff.
Phil.
Whatever. It's tough stuff.
And when you lose, it all comes down on you.
But listen, when you put it all together,
and you win, it's the greatest feeling in the world.
It's like winning the Super Bowl.
Really? Yeah, really.
Except, you saddled me with a bunch of stiffs.
Take me 3 years to get these guys shaped up.
I'm sorry.
But I got a good idea.
Maybe we take a shortcut, stick it to your old man real good.
But in order to do that, we gotta get some fresh meat.
Okay.
(Umberto) Keepa this up, you get nowhere in meat.
[Speaking Italian]
Maria, the prosciutto. It's almost 10:00.
(Maria) Okay.
Umberto!
Hey, coach.
Don't you worry, I got you bratwurst all ready.
Hello.
Beautiful. Grazie.
[Speaking Italian]
Right.
Are your nephews working today?
Uh, si, in the back.
Go back and take a look at these guys.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
(Umberto) Maria?
[Both speaking Italian]
[Whispering] Wow!
Oh, they're terrific.
Pretty impressive, huh?
[Both whooping] Yes!
These kids are the right age, and they live in the district. Why not?
[Speaking Italian]
Uh, excuse me, mister. Your... Your two nephews...
(Umberto) Si?
Uh, would... would they be interested in, uh, playing soccer?
Massimo e Gian Piero?
(Phil) Yeah.
No, no, no, they not play soccer.
They come here to apprentice me. Yeah.
They have too much to learn.
You know, English, meat. Too much.
So they don't play soccer at all?
[Speaking Italian]
(Phil) They could learn from the American kids.
Don't look like that to me. Please.
[Speaking Italian]
They play with American kids, they... they pick up English.
A lot... lot of famous athletes have learned English through sports.
Sammy Sosa. Yeah.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Leon Spinks, uh, Elvis Costello.
No. No.
Björn Borg, Mark Spitz.
Let the kids have some fun.
Okay! Okay!
Great.
But remember. Meat first, then soccer.
Yes!
I told you. Every great thing in life starts with a brat.
[Children chattering]
[Whistling] Tigers, huddle up.
Get in here. Come on. Get in here, guys.
(Ditka) Come on. Everybody up.
I know we're on a five-game losing streak, but I've got good news.
Umberto. I've got two new players joining the team.
Guys, Gian Piero and Massimo.
Now, these boys are from Italy, okay?
So they don't speak English that well.
We're all gonna help them learn.
They're apprentice butchers.
Did the blacksmiths and the candlestick makers not make it?
Shut up.
I come back, pick up 5:00.
(Phil) 5:00. You got it. Okay.
[All speaking Italian]
Prima what?
Meat first. First!
Ah, meat first. Yes, si.
Yes, we love meat.
[Speaking Italian]
You fellows, put these on.
Yeah, try them on and, uh, take the field.
Take-a-the-field.
[Speaking Italian]
[Whistles]
[Giggles]
[Speaking softly in Italian]
(man) All right, come on!
[Boy grunts]
(Gian Piero) Massimo!
(Massimo) Gian Piero!
[Grunts]
(woman) Follow it.
Wow! Crazy!
[Boy grunts]
Whoa.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[People cheering]
(Hunter) Yeah, team!
New game plan. Get the ball to the Italians.
##[Zuma Zuma Baca La by Louis Prima playing]
[People cheering]
[All cheering]
Come on. Guys, bring it in.
[Boys chanting]
(all) 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate?
Generals! Generals! Yeah!
I just got excited. Nice job. Nice job.
Pizza at my house.
We won, Dad. We finally won.
We broke the Tiger curse.
Yes.
[Children clamoring]
(Mark) Okay, no biting, come on.
Guys? Oh. Settle down. Everyone.
Get enough pizza?
You definitely had enough candy, I can tell that.
I just... Ow! That got me right in the nipple.
Hey, guys, I just wanna say:
"Congratulations on the Tigers' first victory!"
[All cheering]
There's more where that came from.
That's right. You guys, you all played great.
So did Gian Piero and Massimo who couldn't be here because:
[All chanting] Meat comes first!
Right.
Got you a gift.
Soccer Dan Instructional DVD.
We're gonna keep learning as we go.
This is where we're really gonna hone our skills.
This will take us to the next level. Study it.
Watch it. I only watched it for 5 minutes, I already... I already learned this.
This is called "up and over."
[All yelling]
You can learn things like...
Maybe back over here.
[Whooping]
Fakes left, fakes right, he shoots!
(Barbara) What is going on in there?
Guys, I said no playing soccer in the house.
You did. You said it a lot.
Who did that?
He did.
(all) He did!
What? Nah!
Kill Phil!
[Children clamoring]
Okay.
[All yelling]
Hey! All right!
Goal!
[Speaking Italian]
Why don't our two new players
speak any English?
Because they're Italian.
You didn't know English
that whole first year of your life.
You had that made-up, like,
goo-goo, gaa-gaa baby language.
It was really irritating.
Dad.
You learned.
What's that haunting aroma?
(Sam) I don't know.
Hello. Hi, there.
Hi, uh, my name is Phil.
This is my son, Sam,
and I... I'm brand new to coffee.
So I don't want too much.
Okay.
Can you take half of the regular version of the coffee
and mix it with half of the decaffeinated version?
Or is that... is that just too weird a thing
to ask for?
Half-Caff?
Right. Half-Caff.
We're... We're gonna have a Half-Caff.
We're gonna have Half-Caff.
Yeah.
And, a Half-Caff.
That's me.
[Screams]
Mother of Pearl! That is hot!
[Exclaims]
That was hot.
Should have waited for the jacket.
Yeah. I know, I got too eager.
Another Half-Caff.
##[Saturday Morning by Eels playing]
[Laughs] Whoa!
Whoa.
(Gian Piero) Uh, you.
Head.
# Saturday morning #
Okay. Go.
# Who's going to play with me? #
# Six in the morning, baby #
OK. Foot on ball, and pull. Go.
OK.
# I got a long long day ahead of me #
(all) Yeah!
Tap. Pull.
Okay?
Tap and pull?
Yes.
[Grunts]
# Saturday morning ##
[grunts]
[Grunts]
Mama mia.
You're a real duffer, you know?
# To lose your inhibition follow your intuition #
[all cheering]
(all) I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy.
How do you say "pizza" in Italian?
Pizza. Pizza.
How do you say "spaghetti?"
Spaghetti.
Italian is easy.
Thank you. Hello.
Where're you from?
Australia.
Oh, that's a lovely accent.
Thank you.
You still waiting for your coffee?
Yes.
Make sure you get one of these sleeves. I burned myself last time.
Thanks for the tip.
It's something you don't know at first.
[Screams]
# Let's get it started #
Would you look at those Italians go?
# Let's get it started #
Oh, God, I'm in bad shape for 11.
(all) Worm! Worm!
# Lose control, of body and soul #
Okay, Bucky, it was, like, so awesome.
You should have saw it.
They just score and score and score
and score and score and score and score.
It was all too much, I had to take an Advil,
and I'm like, I got, like, a headache almost.
You should get some Italians on your team.
It's like ba-boom! Ba-boom!
Are... Are you guys getting any playing time, like...
No.
# Let's get it started, ha #
# Let's get it started in here #
# Let's get it started, ha #
# Let's get it started in here #
French Roast.
Right.
Guatemalan with a little Ethiopian.
Absolutely.
Aw.
That's... That's not coffee.
That's my Russian vodka!
[Boys cheering]
Jack!
No! Mom!
UV index is very high today.
I'm in the middle of a game, come on!
I know. But your skin's more important.
Mom, come on.
Okay, go!
Keep passing to the Italians!
# Get it started, get it started #
[all whooping]
# Let's get it started, ha #
# Let's get it started in here ##
(boys) Go Tigers!
# Spaghetti, marinara, lasagna ##
Don't forget the meatballs!
Hey, hey!
Hey! Here we go!
Hey.
Are you serious?
I'll go change in my car.
Hurry up.
[All cheering]
[Sizzling]
Yeah.
Hey, Philly.
[Sighs]
Smells good.
Yeah.
They're sirloin burgers.
No, I mean the air.
What?
Smells fresh. Yeah.
What do you mean?
Beautiful day.
Yeah.
Couldn't ask for a more beautiful day.
I'm feeling fully alive.
Tigers have won five in a row.
The Italians and Ditka have won five in a row.
We're 500.
Yeah, we're 1,000.
Look, Dad, I got a feeling
we're gonna make it to the finals.
You what? Gonna go where?
Yeah.
You're serious?
Yeah, you bet I'm serious.
[Chuckling]
Looks like somebody needs to be taken down a couple of notches.
What is the law, Phil?
Stop it, Dad.
The law says:
"You shall never beat the old man at anything."
Just serve.
Okay.
[Chuckling]
[Groans]
[Chuckles]
Oh, foul, foul, foul! Come on!
You a little klutzy?
All right.
Okay, here we go.
Pooh! Boom!
[Groaning]
Sorry. Huevos Rancheros.
You wanna quit now?
No, no, no, no, no.
[Grunts]
Oh!
[Chuckles]
Olé!
[Groaning]
[Laughing]
You okay?
Serve it.
[Groaning]
Phil? Honey?
Don't talk to me, it's father-son time!
[Chuckling]
Come on.
Somebody should be videotapin' this.
Ooh. Who's your trainer?
Stop talking and serve!
Maniac.
Now, I bury you.
Bury you!
Yeah.
I'll see you inside.
Okay.
[Chuckling]
That's the best I've ever played against him.
Yeah, it didn't grind the barbecue to a halt at all.
Ow.
You made an excellent impression on your son, by the way.
Hey, I... I almost had you.
What do you call that again, when you almost win?
Oh, yeah, yeah, losing.
I'll tell you, Dad.
The Tigers are making it to the finals.
That ain't never gonna happen.
Oh, yeah?
Never.
You wanna make a bet?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Fine. Okay. We'll bet.
I beat you,
and you sell that break-even snake-oil stand of yours.
And you're gonna come to work for me.
No. No, I'm not gonna work for you.
Uh? Oh.
[Imitating chicken clucking]
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Stop.
Okay. But if I win...
What?
I get the Pelé ball.
Do what?
If I beat you in the finals,
Pelé ball. It's mine. I get it.
(commentator) Here comes Pelé.
A little high and into the crowd.
I got it! I got it!
No. I got it.
[People clapping]
Yeah!
Dad?
What?
Can I have the ball?
For what? I caught it. Why?
You get the next one.
If I beat you in the finals, I get the Pelé ball.
For the day.
Forever.
No way, Jose. No, sir. No way.
[Imitating chicken clucking]
[All laughing]
All right. All right.
Yeah?
We got ourselves a bet, okay?
All right.
Good. Good.
Yes.
See you tomorrow.
Okay. Good.
Yeah, I think we're gonna have to cut you off, sir.
Ooh.
Not a chance. Gotta go feed the meter.
Line 'em up.
Your wife told me about
the bet you made with your old man.
Oh, yeah? What of it?
I think maybe
you're getting ahead of yourself.
We played the easy part of our schedule.
We gotta win five games in a row
just to make the semifinals.
So maybe you should...
Maybe you should worry more about the team
and less about the schedule.
What?
There's a lot of slothfulness going on.
Slothfulness?
Yeah.
Let's go, Tigers. Bring it in.
Bring it in, guys.
Let's go.
Grab some bench.
Look how much time it takes for them to come in.
Take a seat. Let's go.
Okay, guys.
I had you come here early today,
so we could talk about some sloppy play.
It's come to my attention
that lately, I've noticed
a general, blatant disregard
for our game plan.
Ambrose.
Yeah?
I saw a bunch of nonsense out there.
What was going through your head out there last week?
I was breaking my back for you, Coach,
because of my love for the game.
Liar!
Jack. What?
Who are you supposed to pass the ball to?
The Italians.
Right. Alex, when?
When I come in contact with the ball.
The instant you come in contact with the ball.
That's our strategy.
It's one of the many plays we've worked out.
It's the only play we've worked out.
How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?
Coach, I'm just saying...
"But, Coach..."
[mocking]
You gotta lighten up.
He started it.
I seem to remember a certain little boy
who was very sad when he lost.
And that same little boy was very happy when he won.
I'm doing this for you, okay?
So that we can have fun.
Right? Fun. Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, you're... you're late.
Wh-Wh-Where've you been?
Uh, there's a problem.
Wait, where's Gian Piero and Massimo?
We were supposed to pick them up.
Hey, what's going on?
[Speaking in Italian]
[All gasp] Where are my Italians?
Huh?
I can't afford to lose this one, Umberto.
Meat is now. Me and the boy will work
all day to get this order done.
It's a big, big order.
No, no, no. I... Believe me, I know. Meat comes first.
Sure.
I've only heard it about a thousand times from you.
I can't talk to you. Here, you take this.
(Phil) I'm really getting sick and tired of
"the meat comes first." I'm sorry.
# Happy birthday ##
Quiet please!
Shut up! I'm on the phone.
You're not the only one in the park.
You know, at a certain point,
these kids just wanna play soccer.
They don't care about the meat.
Uh, do I have to say that? 'Cause that's gonna cause
some kind of a dramatic situation here.
What are you saying, eh?
What? Hello? Umberto?
Umberto?
All right, guys.
We got 25 minutes and a lot of beef to cut.
Let's get to it.
[Saw whirring]
(Phil) Watch me, boys, I'm goin' in!
Whoa!
[Horn blaring]
[All yelling]
[Gasps]
We made it. Sorry we're late.
Hey, Stew.
Hey.
Uh. Listen. One of... One of my guys didn't bring his socks.
So, we forfeit.
You hear that, Vultures, we forfeit. Let's go.
[Whistle blowing] Come on! Run!
Hurry, run quickly!
Run! Run to the car! Run!
Don't look back! Run!
We won!
We won.
[All cheering]
Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate?
Vultures. Vultures.
Yeah!
Good job, guys.
Phil, it's freezing out here.
It's not Phil. It's Coach Weston.
And it's not freezing out here.
Then why did you build a fire?
Because fire is the stuff of warriors.
And that's what we are, right? Warriors?
The Hopi Indians called fire...
[speaking gibberish]
Coach, what are we doing out here, anyway?
We're bonding. We're becoming a team.
Surviving the elements, here in the backyard.
Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
In due time, Connor. In due time.
However, I want all of you to know
if the pizzas don't arrive,
I've already made the decision
that we will eat Byong Sun.
All right. We're not gonna eat him.
But he does look delicious, you have to admit, right,
if we had to eat someone?
Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
I know, let's all bay at the moon.
What?
You know, howl like a wolf.
[Howling]
(woman) Shut up out there!
You shut up in there!
Come on, everyone. Bay at the moon.
[Howling]
[All howling]
[Barking]
[All screaming]
[Dogs barking]
(woman) Ooh, I don't know.
The Irish Cream sounds good, huh?
What's that?
Uh, it's cream and it's, uh, it's Irish.
Hurry up and order.
Excuse me. Thank you.
How about a smoothie? What's in that?
Smoothie's a juice drink. We want coffee.
Buddy, relax.
No, you relax.
I'm a regular here. This line needs to move.
I beg your pardon.
Do you have scones?
Tall, non fat, double latte...
Sir, you're at the back of the line.
I recognize that!
Cut it out or you're out of here.
You can't kick me out!
You know, you're... you're really invading my ear space.
I'm a frequent coffee drinker.
I'm part of the club. I have a card.
Do you have a card? Do you have a card?
No, I don't have a card.
Does anyone here have a card?
We don't have frequent drinker cards.
[Screams] That's a video club card.
Zip it there, Sporty Spice.
Are we doing this? Is this happening now?
Yeah. Wanna go?
Great. I'd love to.
Let's do it. Come on.
You're hurting me! You're hurting me!
What is wrong with you, Derrick?
I thought we were friends!
My name is Andy!
Your name is Liar, 'cause you're telling lies.
You know what the odds are
I will never come back here again?
There's a good chance of that!
That's a chance we'll have to take.
Okay, if that's how you want to play it.
Okay. I am disappointed!
Good.
Get the door! Get the...
[indistinct chattering]
Fine!
[Whistling]
Tigers, bring it in. Let's go.
Let's go, guys.
[Whistle blowing]
All right, Tigers.
Let's get ready to play, huh?
I don't wanna see any laziness there, okay?
We win this, we're in the finals.
If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys.
We gotta pummel them at all costs.
Dominate and hammer them.
I want you to play dirty,
if you have to, but don't get caught.
Byong Sun, stay low, okay?
That's easy for you.
Just chop block them in the back of the knee.
That'll work well.
Ambrose, you're big.
Don't be afraid to throw the elbow.
If you break someone's collarbone,
that's a good thing. That's what the medic's for.
Otherwise, he's just sitting around, all right?
You hear me?
Hey, Phil.
I... I... I don't think that's a very good attitude.
You can't talk about hurting other players.
You don't think?
You don't... you don't think?
I don't think you should be butting in
when I'm talking to my team.
You're my assistant, okay?
You're supposed to back me up
and go get me juice boxes when I tell you.
Now go get me a juice box.
You know who you're talking to?
I'm talking to the juice box guy.
You're crazy!
I'm not crazy. I'm just thirsty.
Why don't you go to hell?
No, you go to hell! While you're there,
why don't you grab me a juice box!
I'm no juice box boy, I'll tell you that!
Yes, you are! No, I'm not!
You're like your old man!
I'm not like my old man!
If it weren't for these kids I would whip your butt!
I can take a punch!
I'm out of here. Bye-bye.
I'll see you,
Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye!
I'm not like my old man! I'm a kind and gentle,
compassionate human being,
with a heart as big as a lion!
We'll see you later, juice box!
Everyone wave goodbye to juice box.
Literally wave. Do it!
Parents, too! Everyone waves!
[Tires screeching]
Okay. Guys...
I only want winners out on the field.
(Phil) Who's a winner?
I said, "Who's a winner?"
(boys) I am.
Everyone's hands should be up.
(all) I am.
Okay. Everyone bring it in.
Who are we?
(all) Tigers.
What?
(all) Tigers.
All right. Let's break someone's clavicle. On three!
One, two, three. Break someone's clavicle!
Hit the field. Let's go.
Your dad's a trip, you know that?
(Phil) Move it! Move it!
Huh.
Pick up that piece of trash, Tom.
Tuck in your shirt!
What are you doing? Have a sense of pride, huh?
In fact, why don't you take a lap?
Go and run a lap! I'm timing you.
[Watch ticking]
(Phil) Pick it up!
Faster!
(Phil) Here we go! Bellissimo!
Whoa!
Let's go!
(woman) Over here, Son. Hunter!
He's right there. He's right there.
Good. Good.
[Groans]
[Whistling]
[Speaking Italian]
[Grunts]
[All exclaiming]
Yes! Hey, you just were served a plate of humiliation.
How does that feel?
(referee) Hey! Off the field.
Off the field, Tarzan.
I'm off.
[All chattering]
[Grunts]
Defense! Come on!
You guys know anything about defense?
Dad? Yeah?
Dad? Dad?
Not now, Sam.
Can you put me in?
Later. Later. Go grab some bench.
Come on! There we go, Gian Piero.
You look good.
Think you can mark him?
Yeah, I could take him.
J.J., Zack, everybody see what we got to do with these guys?
Four on one, three on another, right?
We have to... We really have to smother them.
(boy) Stop them.
Yeah! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yeah! All right!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Did you just push a kid to the ground?
He fell down! He fell down!
(Phil) Play it up. Play it up.
Play it up.
Back and forth!
[Massimo and Gian Piero speaking in Italian]
Victory! We're in the finals!
We're in the finals! All right!
Losers! Losers!
Losers. You're a loser! Loser!
We won, Byong Sun!
(Donna) No. Phil!
Stop it!
Everyone should get one of these.
Pass him around.
(Donna) All right. I got him.
Pass him around!
[All shouting]
Honey!
(Forest) Okay. All right. That's it. I got this.
(Barbara) Hold him down. Phil!
Get the rope!
What in the world happened to your dad?
I don't know. But I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never drinking coffee as long as I live.
[Explosion]
Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
What a day!
Wh-What is with the coffee?
Every home in Europe has its own coffee press.
In fact, every room.
Okay, you know what, Phil?
You gotta stop. You've gone overboard.
What are you talking about?
You called a group of 10-year-olds "losers."
I did not.
You screamed it through a cone.
Everyone heard you.
What do you want me to call them? Winners?
'Cause that would make me a liar, okay?
And at least, give me that. I am not a liar.
You just lied, just a... When?
Just a second ago! When?
About the cone thing!
Okay, you got me on that one.
That's one lie, though.
We're in the finals.
Am I the only one who cares about that?
Where's Sam?
Well, Sam's up in his room.
Very upset. Very depressed.
Depressed? We won.
You didn't play him, Phil.
I warned you about, this has become all about you and Buck.
That is patently untrue.
And as far as Sam not playing in the game, that's his fault.
What?
He needs to speak up, okay? I can't worry about every player.
I can't talk to you about this. No, not anymore.
I don't even know who you are.
You're not human, that's for sure.
You're like some kind of animal.
An animal?
Yes, like a wild animal.
Where are you going?
I'm going.
Coffee will make you feel better.
# The eye of the tiger ##
(Phil) Barbara, are you there? Pick up. It's me.
Game's about to start.
Where's Sammy? I thought you guys were gonna meet me here.
Hello? Hello?
You know what, I gotta run.
What are you? Who dresses you these days?
What's this, some kind of clown outfit?
No. It's a Tiger outfit.
Good. Good.
Some of the cool stuff I can do.
And you think this suit's gonna help you?
We'll see. Might be a good luck charm.
Okay, good luck, Son. You're gonna need it.
[Chuckles]
Bring it in. Let's go. Huddle it up. Come on.
Coach, um, where's Sam?
Because I don't see him anywhere.
He'll be here. Don't worry about it. Okay.
[Whispering] Guys, listen up.
Now I don't think it needs to be said more than once
how important today's game is, huh?
[Whispering] This is what we've worked all year for.
Why are you whispering?
For dramatic effect!
Who are those guys over there, huh?
(boys) Tigers.
They look like pussycats to me.
What do you say? Yeah.
Afraid of 'em?
(boys) No!
Okay.
You step on this field, this is all about you.
I mean, I'm not gonna be the one staying up late at night,
you know, punching a hole through the window
or crying myself to sleep or wetting my bed.
Okay? That's not gonna be me.
'Cause I'm fine.
I got my vitamin store to go back to.
I'm gonna be just great. I'm gonna be great.
Let me hear you say that we can do this.
We can do this!
Again. We can do this!
One more time. We can do this!
You either win
and go on to greatness, or you lose.
And probably face a series of cataclysmic events
for the rest of your lives.
Bring it in, guys.
[Whispering] Bring it in.
Tigers on three. Whisper.
One, two, three.
[All whispering] Tigers.
One, two, three, Gladiators!
(Jim) Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the HHSO Championship game.
I'll be giving you a play-by-play,
blow-by-blow of what promises to be
the game of the year.
Look alive!
Tigers versus the Gladiators.
Gladiators with the ball.
Immediately stolen by Massimo!
Go!
Defense! Push deeper! Deep! Deep!
He kicks it high. It's a perfect pass!
Shot! Goal!
Yeah!
##[Singing]
Are you ready for this?
The Gladiators with some good ball movement.
Shot! It's off the mark.
Give it up, Dad!
It's a long game, sonny!
Hey, grab the pebble from my hand, Grasshopper!
What?
Hey! If it isn't fart-face Jones.
What's up, farty pants?
Bring it on.
You can have the first punch right here.
I could eat a box of cookies for dinner if I want to.
What? Can you do that? No.
'Cause you're a fart-face kid.
Oh, my God! No! Tigers! Help me! Get him off me!
[Blowing whistle]
Get him, Logan. Attaboy, Logan.
Ow! He's got my ear.
He's got my ear!
He's like a jackal from hell!
(Jim) Italians with the ball.
And they pass it of to little Byong Sun!
Pass it off! Pass it!
Do it! Shoot it, Byong Sun. Shoot it!
No! No, no.
[Grunts]
(Jim) Oh! Weak kick!
Stolen away and kicked way downfield.
Gladiators moving the ball.
Hunter, catch up! Catch up.
They find Bucky Weston in the open.
He shoots! Score!
Yes!
Gladiators tie the game.
Byong Sun!
What was that?
I thought I had the shot.
You thought?
How many times do I have to say this?
You can take as many shots as you want during practice.
But never ever in a game.
Especially not the championship game.
Okay, you cannot talk to him...
No, no, no. Don't go there.
Take a seat. Go ahead.
(Ann) Ease up on him!
You ease up on that corduroy jacket of yours.
[Referee whistling]
(Jim) Gladiators moving the ball.
[Referee whistles] Oh! Number 14 goes down.
Come on! That?
Good call, ref!
That's a bad call!
All right, coaches!
Coaches here, now!
God! That's a bad call, you know it!
Hey, hey, hey.
That's a bad call!
Hey! Hey, I'm warning you.
Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask a question.
How much you pay him to make those calls?
You are one wisecrack away
from being thrown out of this game.
I don't want to get thrown out.
Can't a guy just be enthusiastic about the game?
You can be enthusiastic...
That's all I want to do.
...at a respectable level.
I just wanna have fun.
Now, go to your places!
And keep your comments to yourself.
Wow! What was that all about?
Here's all I heard.
The ref said...
[sputtering]
Then my Dad said...
[sputtering]
Then the ref said...
[sputtering]
Any more questions?
Hit the road. Move it.
[Referee whistling]
[Boys cheering]
(Jim) Massimo with the ball,
trying to pass it off to his brother.
Come on!
But Buck Weston has figured out this Tiger offense.
Go!
[Chuckles]
(Phil) Get back on defense!
What did I just say?
Bucky with another open shot. Goal!
Yes!
Gladiators take the lead.
Was anyone listening?
The Italians have effectively been shut down.
Great.
(Janice) That's my boy!
[Whistle blowing]
That's the half.
Honey, wh-where have you been?
I called you twice.
What? Why isn't Sam in his uniform?
So, how's it going?
It took me all morning to convince him to come.
And the only reason he is here is to support his team.
What, he doesn't want to play for me?
He would love to play for you
but you've turned him into a benchwarmer.
Sound familiar?
Look, I just wanted
to get to the championship game, that...
Well, you're here, Phil.
I'm not crying. It's frustration.
Don't worry. You'll be all right. Gonna be all right.
If you play the second half the way you played the first half,
I'm gonna trade the whole team to the Tigers next year.
Can I go in now? I have fresh legs.
(Buck) Philly, I can't.
It's the championship game, all right?
Don't bother me, okay?
I didn't play the week before, either.
I promise you, I'll play you next season, okay?
You want to be Gladiators?
(boys) Yeah!
Let's say, "We are Gladiators."
(boys) We are Gladiators!
Say it again! We are Gladiators!
Okay, go out in the second half, I want you to stay focused.
You doing okay? I know this is tough.
Hey, guys.
Sam, you think I could talk to you?
I guess.
Honey, do you mind?
Sure.
So, I just was thinking, uh...
You know, grown-ups are always telling kids
how they mess up, right?
But the truth is
sometimes grown-ups screw up
but we don't have anyone to tell us when we do it.
I screwed up, Sam.
You think?
I just got caught up in everything.
I really lost my way, I mean,
I apologize.
I just wanna ask you if you... if you can
find it in your heart to forgive me
and you give me a second chance,
I'd like to make it up to you.
Okay.
You accept my apology then?
Yeah.
Thanks, buddy.
All right. You're starting the second half.
(Sam) Really?
Yeah.
You're not worried about losing the game?
No, I'm worried about losing you.
I brought your uniform just in case.
So, go suit up.
All right.
Okay?
Good job.
Thanks.
Now, give me that jacket.
Oh. It's bad?
Horrible.
Okay.
(Phil) Hey, guys.
Everyone take a seat, if you would.
I have something important I'd like to tell you. Um...
[sighs]
I just want you guys to know that I know that I blew it.
I... I... I... I completely blew it.
And we should've just been having fun all along
and honestly, I don't know what happened.
And I owe you, I owe all of you an apology.
I am very, very,
very, very sorry.
With a capital "S" and a capital "ORRY."
You know what I mean.
You... You guys are great kids. You're unique
with... with... with your own strengths and talents,
and I should've been promoting that.
Instead, I wasn't, 'cause I'm a lousy coach
and I didn't teach you anything.
That's not true, Dad.
(all) What? What are you talking about?
He's a lousy coach.
He didn't teach me anything.
(Byong Sun) He tried to kill me.
He taught us exactly how not to play soccer.
Actually, Sam's right.
That's exactly what I did.
We just need to take the field
and you guys just do e-e-exactly
the opposite of everything I've taught you.
Does that make sense?
What have I... What have I told you to do?
Always play the Italians.
Okay. There you go.
Gian Piero, Massimo,
we'll get some fresh legs in there.
Give you guys a rest?
Rest? Yeah.
Okay. Grazie.
Thanks.
Wh-What else have I taught you?
Break people's clavicles.
Chop block.
Tattoos are cool!
Don't remember that one.
Coffee is the lifeblood
that fuels the dreams of champions.
Right. Hold on.
[All cheering]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
(Mark) Way to go, Byong Sun!
[All cheering]
All right. What else?
The most important thing is winning.
No. No, no, no, no. The most important thing
is... is having fun and trying your best, all right?
So, let's get out there and do everything
the opposite of what I've taught you.
Sound like a plan?
Bring it in. Here we go.
Yes.
(Phil) What are we gonna do?
(boys) Don't listen to Phil!
Take the field. Here we go, guys. Have fun!
(Jim) Down by one, the Tigers have both Italians
sitting on the bench?
Odd move by Coach Phil Weston.
Stop them, guys!
Goal, and the Tiger goalie goes down hard!
Oh, my...
(Buck) That's it.
That's the intensity I've been looking for. That's it.
The Tiger goalie looks okay.
Hey, ref? Injury? Time out?
Coach Weston is taking no chances.
Time out. Everyone with glasses.
Can I borrow your glasses?
Would you mind? Thank you.
I appreciate that.
You look like you need those.
Thank you. Appreciate that.
(Phil) You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Just want to do a little vision test here. All right?
Is that better or worse?
Worse.
Better or worse?
Worse.
Better or worse?
Better!
Okay. Put those on. Let's go, guys.
Okay. All right. Come on.
Thanks.
He's okay.
(Jim) Play resumes.
The Gladiators still dominating the field.
Wow. An amazing save by the Tiger goalie!
Yes! That's my baby!
He stopped that goal.
Tigers with the ball.
Mark! Mark!
On the neck!
Yes!
Mark Avery kicks the ball up,
catches it on the back of his neck.
Yes.
The rest of the Tigers are forming some kind of wedge.
Break through. Win the ball back!
Knock those clowns down.
Mark Avery leads the league
in the least amount of time played.
Hey, keeper.
Ew!
Mmm.
[Gags]
Ambrose with a powerhouse kick!
[Referee whistling]
Yeah!
[Boys cheering]
Yes!
Hunter, I'd give you a kiss but you just ate a worm.
Yeah! Can you smell it?
Yeah! All right, Mark!
It's the smell of victory, baby!
I love you, Dad!
See if you love me at the end of the game.
Let's go, guys. Stay focused.
Every time you say something back to me,
it makes me love you more!
I can't... I can't believe this.
(Jim) Hunter is tearing down the field!
And he kicks the ball to Jack.
Get over there! Go, Hunter!
Jack takes the ball into the corner.
Whoa! It's a little bit high.
Wait a second, what's going on?
It's like they're forming some sort of mega person.
Did everyone see that?
[Whooping]
A header by Byong Sun from Ambrose's shoulder for a goal.
Way to go, Bing Bong!
That's not legal. Is that legal, ref?
Great hustle. Gian Piero and Massimo.
You're back in. Okay.
But remember, share the ball.
Okay. Team.
Right? Team. Yeah. Good. Good, good.
Okay, guys.
(Jim) The Italians are back in.
And Massimo steals the ball.
Less than a minute left to play.
The Gladiators are completely out of sync here.
And the ball goes to Ambrose who fakes.
Watch it! It's a trap! Stay with the Italians!
(Barbara) Come on, Sam!
You're gonna have to get past old, uncle Bucky for this one.
Here's something your dad never taught you.
[All cheering]
Goal!
[Referee whistling]
And you can put it on the board.
[Blowing whistle]
That's the game!
Tigers win! Tigers win!
(Phil) Way to go, guys!
(Tom) Nice job, everyone!
[Whooping]
(Ann) Come on, honey!
(Phil) Sammy!
Where did you learn to move like that, Sam?
I practiced every time you benched me.
(boys) Tigers! Tigers!
[Boys chanting]
Great game, Bucky.
A hell of a game, bro.
I guess we really got out-coached.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
And I'm serious.
I don't give compliments lightly.
This is from the heart.
I'm not blowing smoke up my butt.
I think you mean smoke up my butt.
No. Dude, just take the compliment.
You got it.
I'll see you later.
See you at the barbecue.
[All cheering]
Good job.
Sorry, Grandpa.
What, are you kiddin' me?
If anyone's gonna beat me, I'm glad it was you.
Great goal, Samson.
So, you're not mad?
The only thing that makes me mad
is that I let you get away from the Gladiators, okay?
[Chuckles]
I'll never be mad at you. Never.
(Phil) Burgers look good, right?
That one's dead.
This one needs to be turned. Okay?
Looks good to me.
You'll learn.
[Machine humming]
Hey, Ditka! Knock it off, would you?
Would you knock it off?
Dad, relax. Here, I'll handle it.
Yeah.
I'll talk to him.
Hey, Buck. Yeah?
Remember when we beat you in the championship?
Yeah.
Remember when, uh, when I shoved that kid in the pool?
Whoa!
[Gasping]
Okay, Buck. You got me good, buddy.
Yeah.
How do you want your hamburger?
Well done. Thanks, Buck.
Okay. You got it.
Hey, coach!
Yeah?
Hey.
Um, I don't know if you heard, we won the championship.
Yeah, I heard.
Yeah.
Look, I just wanna say I'm sorry for the way I acted.
Hey, let me tell you something.
You were a ravin' maniac.
Yes, I was. I was a maniac.
Yeah, but I see you changed your ways.
And man, down the stretch,
you did one great job of coaching those kids.
Thank you. It means a lot.
So, can I count on you for next year?
No.
Okay. But you and I, we're good?
We're good.
Good.
How about you and your old man?
Better. Yeah.
Listen. I mean no disrespect to you and your family.
But my job in life is
to make your dad's life a living hell.
Hey, do what you gotta do.
I gotta do it.
I'm about to make good on that Pelé bet.
You wanna come over and watch?
Yeah, I'd love to but I gotta get
all these leaves over in that yard before nightfall.
Right.
We had a bet. You won fair and square.
Good job.
Yes. Thank you.
I don't say this enough
but you really stepped up.
I'm proud of you, Son.
I appreciate that.
The real Pelé ball.
Yep.
I'm actually touching it.
Take good care of it.
That means an awful lot to me, that ball.
It does, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Here.
What?
You keep it.
No. You won fair and square. It's yours now.
No.
You beat me, Philly.
Well, the Tigers beat you.
I mean I had a good time kicking your butt,
I'm not gonna lie,
but i-i-it's not about winning.
I thought it was. It's not.
About... About you and me,
you know, the... the ball is just a metaphor
about the distance between us.
It's a soccer ball.
No, no, no, Dad.
L- I-It's not about the ball.
It was never about the ball.
I don't want the ball.
Then what do you want?
(announcer) And now an important message from the King.
Hi, I'm Buck Weston.
King of sporting goods.
And to make my stores the best they can be,
I've teamed up with my son.
Hello, I'm Phil Weston.
And I'm the Prince of Vitamins.
(Buck) Now, you can get all your health supplement needs
at Buck and Phil's Sports Kingdom.
At prices so low, it'll blow your top.
Don't worry, kind sir.
We've got something for that, too.
See?
I do see, Prince Phil.
Now in five convenient locations.
I'm Buck Weston.
And I'm Phil Weston.
(both) And we've got balls.
And vitamins.
But mainly, balls.
(all) And vitamins!
These guys couldn't win a salad bowl,
let alone a Super Bowl.
(Diana) Mike, I smell smoke.
Nobody's smokin'.
Besides, I'm the king in this house
and I can do what I want.
Got you!
Okay, honey.
##[We Can Work It Out by Stevie Wonder playing]
# Try to see things my way #
# Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on #
# While you see it your way #
# Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone #
# We can work it out #
# Think of what you're saying #
# You can get it wrong #
# And still think that it's all right #
# Think of what I'm saying #
# We can work it out and get it straight #
# Or say good night #
# We can work it out #
# Work it out when you're dating #
# Work it out when you're dating ##
Ripped by: SkyFury